The A.D. Show

earthquake

2011-03-17T11:43:00.001+09:00

Everyone,

We're all fine. The quake and tsunami were far away from us, so we've had no direct effects here in Kansai.

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The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 84

2010-08-26T23:07:00.002+09:00

Season 5 episode 6 of 11.
Click here to direct download this episode.

Topics covered: a visit from the cable guy, our baby was sick, geeking out with a stranger on the train

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 83

2010-07-15T22:46:00.005+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 5 episode 5 of 11.

be right back

2010-07-09T00:53:00.002+09:00

Yep, it's been a long time. I plan to get this show going again sometime next week, but in the meantime I'll let you know what I've been doing.

1. I'm now a father. She's pretty much the coolest baby around. I'll let you know all about her.

2. I've been watching lots of British TV. It's awesome. In a few minutes I'm going to knock out another episode of Big Train.

3. I've been studying Python. I'm hoping to eventually make my own applications, but for now I'm happy learning as much as I can each day.

4. I've just started writing some fiction again. I did a short story last week. I can't write 1,000 words every day, but I've figured out I can still write a lot more than I have been.

5. I'm working six days a week most weeks.

6. I've been speaking as much English as I can to my daughter. She gets Japanese all day from her mommy.

7. I've been watching the World Cup. It's inspired me to watch more football/soccer, so I'm now an Everton supporter.

If you have any questions/content, send it on in for the next show.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 82

2009-10-04T22:13:00.004+09:00

Click here to download. Season 5 episode 4 of 11.

Topics: hospital change, bad smell candle, chatty cashier, drinking barium, Peanuts

no show this week

2009-09-24T10:54:00.001+09:00

Hi everyone,

Instead of recording a show I hung out with Twinkie Beyond and Terrance. I'll get a new show up next week.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 81

2009-09-16T16:45:00.001+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 5 episode 3 of 11.

I talked about train etiquette, a police chase, and the stupid jerk dentist.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 80

2009-09-09T16:47:00.001+09:00

Click here to download.

Topics covered: children's books, 24 Hour Television with Imoto

Thanks to Eric for the e-mail.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 79

2009-09-02T14:58:00.002+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 5 episode 1 of 11.

Topics covered: pending fatherhood, training for a half-marathon (Pajama Guy and finding shoes), hating the dentist

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 78

2009-05-22T11:20:00.003+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 4 episode 13 of 13.

Swine Flu panic! Got my money. Stirrup pants. The wife's new friends.

Season 5 will start in September.

next episode

2009-05-21T10:39:00.000+09:00

The next episode will be up in about 25 hours.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 77

2009-05-14T15:17:00.003+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 4 episode 12 of 13.

You like ranting? Well, here's a rant episode for you. I rant about the Japanese tax system, Japanese civil servants, Japanese national health insurance, NHK, and government in general.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 76

2009-05-06T20:33:00.004+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 4 episode 11 of 13.

I tried something new and ended up with a short episode. Here's the full episode text, so if you don't want to listen to the episode, you can just read it.

Begin

Hello, hello, welcome to the show, I'm Apocalypse D0well, a guy from KY who lives in beautiful Takatsuki, Japan, and this is a show about my life here in Japan. I'm trying out a new format this week, so please bear with me as I work it out. I think if it turns out okay I'll mix up shows like this with outdoor recording shows and regular format shows. I'll keep you guessing.

I got the idea to do this after listening to the most recent This American Life. If it bombs, please blame them.

Movies

I saw two movies this week. Both of them had characters who believed they were acting in a movie when the action around them was real. Both of these films, of course, fall short of the king of this genre, The Man Who Knew Too Little starring Bill Murray. I saw it once and hated it. When I came to Japan, my Australian flatmate made me watch it again, and I loved it. He also made me watch every episode of the Young Ones, but that's a story for another episode.

The first movie was Tropic Thunder. This was the first time I've seen a movie on Blu-ray, and I have to say the picture quality, the sound, the whole experience was...pretty much the same as DVD. Maybe if I had a bigger TV I could see the difference, but really, I just don't care. DVDs are fine.

I liked Downey, Jr. It was great to see Steve Coogan, Mr. Alan Partridge himself. Back of the net! Cheap, average gags filled most of the movie, and the rest was just incomprehensible. Why was Jack Black in this movie? His character farted. That was it. He did nothing interesting at all in the entire movie. Jack Black should be angry at Stiller for not giving him any more to do in this movie, or he should be mad at himself for taking the role. Maybe both. I also can't understand why Tom Cruise was in the movie. I had trouble understanding why his character danced, until I saw in the extras that Cruise had added the dance in the make up test. I guess Stiller felt uncomfortable telling Cruise the dance was stupid, so they added it to the script. Stupid. Too stupid even for this movie.

The second, much better film was The Magic Hour. It was written and directed by Koki Mitani, the same guy who wrote and directed Uchoten Hotel, which is worth watching not only because it's funny and well-written, but also because Ryoko Shinohara plays a call girl.

The Magic Hour is about a guy who gets involved with a local mob boss' girl. The mob boss is played by Toshiyuki Nishida, the head guy on Tante Knight Scoop. In order to live, the guy has to find a hit man and bring him to the boss. Instead of actually finding the hit man, he instead decides to hire an actor to play the hit man. He tells the actor he's making a movie and makes him think the mobsters are actors. Okay, it sounds stupid, but for a plot device like this it's well-done. The actor interacts with the mobsters in-character and hilarity ensues. I love it when hilarity ensues. This movie is so good, it even has Fumiyo Kohinata, the guy who played Kita Yoshio. He's playing the Paul Giamatti part in the upcoming Japanese version of Sideways.

Skip Tropic Thunder, check out The Magic Hour, and if you've seen The Man Who Knew Too Little only once and hated it, watch it again. You might like it.

Shiroi Haru

The wife and I have been watching a drama called Shiroi Haru. It stars Hiroshi Abe, the guy from Trick, and the little girl who sang that annoying Ponyo song. Seriously, the song's cute the first ten times, but on the 100th listen, it made me want to punch the wall. The worst part is when kids on the street sing it. It's just too catchy. I won't hold that against this drama, though.

Abe plays Haruo, a former Yakuza who has just gotten out of the pen, the slammer, the cooler, the joint, the stoney lonesome. As soon as he gets out he gets robbed, and then he finds out his girlfriend is dead. Quite a day. Not only is his girlfriend dead, but he finds out she was with some other guy before she died, some baker with his own shop. See, his ex-girlfriend was supposed to get some money for the job Haruo did that got him in the slammer, but he thinks this baker has it, so conflict ensues. I love it when conflict ensues.

Although it can be melodramatic, like many Japanese dramas, it's still good and worth a watch.

French Restaurant

I have an unrefined pallet. I like plain, hot food in large quantities, so I stay away from French restaurants. Last Wednesday, though, I went to a French restaurant and not only did I go, but I liked it.

Why did I like it? Well, there was only one chef—the only worker in the whole place—and he asked me what I liked before he made it. He actually understood what it meant when he was told I'm a vegetarian. I had salad, ratatouille, croquette, and a pizza. Sure, pizza's not French, but the guy was cool and hooked me up. I even got double dessert for being a foreigner. Although I'm having trouble recalling any funny chefs, I'd have to guess that he's the funniest around. He made jokes the whole time and tried to break out English on me when he could. He told me I'm the second coolest guy in the world, right after himself. So, I'm left unable to tell people I hate French food, so it feels like a part of me has died, but I know I'm better for it.

Birthday

The wife's birthday was last Sunday. It was also the day for Takatsuki Jazz Street. There were musical performances all day around Takatsuki. We headed out around eleven and walked down to the park. You'll remember it from my running episode a few weeks ago. The little paths were lined with artists and peddlers. There was even a Korea, Soul of Asia booth. Asian countries advertise a lot here in Japan. The Malaysia commercials drive me crazy. Malaysia truly Asia. They show people traveling there and having a good time, but they don't show you the shops opening late, or the pushy salespeople following you around the shopping mall. Show me that and maybe I'll go back. Recently, they've been showing India commercials. Incredible India. Anyway, that's enough of that.

We headed on to a nearby junior high school and saw a performance outside. It was made up of foreigners and Japanese players. They were pretty good until they did an original song. We left.

We hit three more spots around town, stopped at Subway, rested at home, and then headed out again. The performances were all free, and it was fun to make fun of people we saw.

We sat on the grass in my running park and watched a performance in the late afternoon. A group made up of mostly foreigners decided to sit on the grass near us. They spoke English, but it wasn't their native language.

Foreign guy #1: Do you want to sit here on the grass?
Foreign guy #2: Okay.
Foreign guy #1: You're standing on my chair.
Foreign guy #2: Oh, I'm so sorry.

I turned so they couldn't see me laugh. I don't know what was so funny about it, maybe just their delivery. Yeah, I'll go with delivery since it's something I can't recreate here.

After that, we headed home and the father-in-law picked us up. We had birthday dinner for the wife at the in-laws. The mother-in-law makes some mean spring rolls. Their wiener dog once again fell in love with my leg.

Karaoke

We had a sayonara party for one of my coworkers on Saturday night. We started out at an Irish bar, where I had an excellent salad with avocado and mozzarella. From there, we hit the karaoke box. When we go out to karaoke, we usually hit the chains, like Jumbo. I'd never heard of this place. It was seedy. It was grimy. Sometimes, living in Japan, this place feels like Disneyland, so it was nice to be in a rough place. It was nice to go somewhere real.

The doors on the booths had a lot of glass, so as we walked to our booth we could see people merrymaking. Roughneck businessmen stood and belted out tunes. Women with dyed hair and tough, Osaka faces sang pop songs. That karaoke joint stands alone.

A guy I work with—we'll call him the Hawaiian—knocked out some Bon Jovi and a Sean Paul song that I didn't know but should. I gave them some House of Pain and Mongol 800. Unlike the first time we all went out together, the Hawaiian didn't lose his glasses, so the evening was a success.

Poor Tsuyoshi

The media frenzy over SMAP member Tsuyoshi Kusanagi seems to have settled down. I bet Tsuyoshi's hiding in his apartment saying, “Go swine flu!” Sorry, I'm assuming everyone knows what happened. I'm sure the well-informed listeners of this audio program already know, but I'll go over it for you just in case.

A couple of weeks ago, Tsuyoshi got totally ripped. Around two o'clock in the morning, after drinking with friends, he went to a park and took off his clothes. He made some noise and the police came. He was so ripped he couldn't understand what was happening, the police took him in and searched his apartment. Tsuyoshi's commercials were taken off TV, he's lost lots of money, and now we don't know when he'll get back to work.

As I said in a blog post right after it happened, it's not a big deal; the media are just trying to make it a big deal. It's just like swine flu. Tsuyoshi should get back on TV right now and give the media the finger, the middle. If this were America, he'd go to rehab, come out and proclaim himself clean, and get right back to being filthy rich. Why am I defending a guy who little talent who probably shouldn't be famous? Because I hate media hype more than low-talent performers.

Sauce

I work with an Australian—let's call him G—who's a lot like me. He hates it when people on bicycles ring their bells. He hates it when old people push start themselves on bikes instead of just sitting down and pedaling. We have a lot of hate in common.

I sometimes use the line “I'll be thinking about swimming pools” when I mean that I'll go through the motions of doing something without thinking about it at all. Do you remember that movie Airheads? Yeah, I don't want to admit I remember it, either. In that movie, someone asks Adam Sandler's character what he's thinking of, and he answers “Swimming pools.” I'm not sure why he gives that answer, if it's part of the plot or just some Sandler randomness, but it stuck with me. It's a throwaway line I use to fill space.

I used it the other day, and the Australian, meaning G, asked me why I had said it and then immediately asked if it was because of his story. I had no idea what he was talking about, so he told me the story.

It seems a few days or weeks—I can't really remember—earlier, he had made penne pasta with a creamy sauce. The sauce was so good, he closed his eyes and imagined himself swimming in the sauce. As he imagined himself swimming in the sauce, he moved his arms through the air as if he were actually swimming. As he imagined himself swimming in the sauce and moved his arms through the air, he opened his mouth and imagined that he was eating the sauce as he swam. His wife asked him what he was doing, he explained, and she called him an idiot. I'm not sure if she used the word idiot, but I'm sure it was a synonym. Maybe nimrod. “Stop pretending you're swimming in carbonara sauce, you nimrod!” Well, I'm unable to confirm the swim-worthiness of the sauce, because it has meat in it. If he makes a meatless version, though, I just might go for a swim.

Out

Well, that's it for this week. You can contact me at (e-mail) or leave a comment on the blog at http://halfinafrenzy.blogspot.com. You can check out my podcast novels at http://www.freepodcastnovel.com. Thanks for listening. I'm out.

No show this week

2009-05-01T22:16:00.002+09:00

I just can't get a show together this week. I'm going to try a bit of an experiment for next week's show. There's your teaser.

two-day delay

2009-04-29T21:58:00.000+09:00

I'll have the next episode up in a couple of days.

Free Tsuyoshi!

2009-04-24T14:32:00.004+09:00

I guess all of you otaku have heard that SMAP's jean-loving member, Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, was arrested for public indecency. It's all over the news here. It seems that he resisted arrest and asked the officers what's wrong with being naked. Good question, Tsuyoshi.

He's recently been on some commercials about the switch to digital TV (yeah, Japan's going through that, too), and the minister of the Internal Affairs and Communications Ministry, Kunio Hatoyama, is angry. Here's an idea Kuntio: STFU! So he got drunk and got naked. So what? Who hasn't? Give the guy a break. As much as I see him on TV, he must work 14 hours a day. He needs to unwind. Free Tsuyoshi! (I think he's out now, but Free Tsuyoshi needs to go on a t-shirt).

The police searched his apartment. Searched his apartment! He was drunk in the park and they searched his apartment? Note to self: leave as soon as possible. Sure, they were just trying to "protect" him because he was so out of control they thought drugs might be involved. Give me a break. I'm surprised no ladies have stepped up and claimed that he groped them. There's no evidence, so it must mean he did it.

Usually, I couldn't care less about celebrities, but I think Tsuyoshi's a good guy and deserves to get a little naked in the park once in a while. We all do.

Free Tsuyoshi!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 75

2009-04-22T13:11:00.003+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 4 episode 10 of 13.

This week: Purple Lady hates flowers, saw Shaun of the Dead

News in Japan: Death sentence upheld for curry-poisoner, professor's train molestation conviction overturned

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 74

2009-04-15T22:40:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 9 of 13.

In a first for this show, I recorded while running. I talked about my quest for Sprite and, well, I was running, so I couldn't talk much.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 73

2009-04-08T22:42:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 8 of 13.

This week: drunk guy falls down on train platform, scary TV show, hanami in Banpaku and the schoolgirl model, 33pun Tantei, the Tigers' lazy fans

News: Dear Leader's glorious launch of a communications satellite into the Pacific, Ayaka is married and ill, Paul Giamatti is a jerk about Japanese Sideways remake

E-mail: Josh in Japan sets me straight on paramedics in Japan (note: thanks to this email, this episode probably has more accurate information about Japan than any of my previous episodes)

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 72

2009-04-01T18:19:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 7 of 13.

NOTE: I screwed up so you can't hear the theme or bumpers.

This one's a disappointment. It's really short, which is what happens when I don't really plan. You get to hear the wife, though. I talk about Perfume and Oasis on Music Station, North Korea, and the greatest parking contraption I've ever seen.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 71

2009-03-25T17:28:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 6 of 13.

I talked about a Cops-esque show on Japanese TV, trying to get my money from the government, hitting the book sale, and my lack of interest in the WBC. Thanks!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 70

2009-03-18T22:07:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 5 of 13.

I realized as I was editing that to put pictures in the file I would need to release this as an AAC, something I don't want to do. So, here are the pictures that I took. Topics include saving the Colonel, going to a basketball game, Tom Cruise on SMAPxSMAP, and the Tired Kid.

Hay Fever: 2 D0well: 0

2009-03-11T20:20:00.001+09:00

The hay fever got me again. Last week I was feeling so good I took the mask off. Bad idea. The hay fever made sure I understood who's boss. I should be back on schedule next week.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 69

2009-03-04T16:04:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 4 of 13.

This is the first episode done with the IC recorder, so the levels are low and the wind is noisy. I'll do better next time. Topics include karaoke, birthday dinner, art exhibition, shopping, and taxes. You'll also hear me go to the atm and pay my phone bill at Family Mart. Exciting!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 68

2009-02-25T15:13:00.003+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 4 episode 3 of 13.

Went to see plum blossoms.
I hate taxes.
I hate hay fever.
It's my birthday.
I've been playing Mario and Luigi RPG 3, Mario Tennis GC, and Portal.

no show this week

2009-02-18T16:52:00.001+09:00

Gaijin cedar allergy has me down, so there'll be no show this week.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 67

2009-02-11T15:44:00.003+09:00

Click here to download this episode. Season 4 episode 2 of 13.

This week:

Today's a national holiday.
Mr. T keychain has moved on.
Sold 4 video games this week and bought 2.
The feedburner to Google transition sucks.
Still thinking about getting rid of stuff.

Life in Japan:

Is everyone going crazy?
Muzukashii syndrome.

Thanks for listening!

Annoying people who annoyed me on Saturday

2009-02-10T09:40:00.000+09:00

I ran into some annoying people on Saturday, all on my way to work.

1. Annoying Guy with the Wrong Ticket/Train Pass: Although I often complain about how slowly people walk here in Japan, when going into or out of the station it's completely different. It's a madhouse. At our local station, even when it isn't very busy, there are always people trying to clear a path to the ticket gates. The gates are set up to both let people in and out, so after a train arrives there are a lot of people coming out of the station, leaving few ticket gates for entering. That was the situation Saturday morning. There was just one gate leading into the station, and it was blocked by an old guy with the wrong ticket. He put it in and the alarm sounded. He took it from the machine and put it right back in. Then, he tried it a third time. My train was coming, the girl in front of me was fuming, and the guy was completely oblivious. Another gate opened and I got through as the guy tried his ticket for the fourth time. For all I know he's still there.

2. Can't Get Enough of Those Honey Smacks: On the train from Umeda, a guy sat down a couple of meters from me and started smacking his lips. He was wearing a surgical mask, so I couldn't tell if he was chewing gum or just smacking those lips. Either way, it was annoying. It was like he was trying to annoy me.

3. With All of This Arguing, How Will We Find Time to Push People Out of the Way?: I had to wait outside my workplace as I'd arrived a bit early. I was standing there listening to my iPod as a gaggle of older ladies passed. They were not only loud but also arguing. As I wished they would hurry along, they stopped and argued right beside me. Annoying. They eventually moved on, arguing the whole way.

Cut it out, you annoying people.

Another patient rejected by several hospitals

2009-02-08T12:20:00.003+09:00

Another emergency patient has died after being rejected by several hospitals here. This one happened in Itami, which is where I used to go to Starbucks when I lived in Amagasaki. 14 hospitals rejected this guy. This seems to be happening all the time. (Note: Just to make sure I'm clear, the ambulance didn't drive around to 14 hospitals. The hospitals refused when they were contacted.)

I understand that hospitals here are understaffed, but how can you turn away emergency patients? It seems that even if there are no specialists on duty (or on-call), some care would be better than nothing. The article mentions paramedics, but from what I've heard the paramedics in ambulances here have little to no medical training and perform few to no medical procedures. You'd probably be better off in a taxi, but the ambulance is free.

I'm often asked here about the sorry state of U.S. health care, and I answer that I'd much rather get sick in the U.S. than in Japan. Sure, there are uninsured people in the U.S., and sure, even the insured sometimes get poor care, but it beats sitting in an ambulance while they try to find a hospital. It also beats being asked to return for several follow-ups, when we all know it's a profit deal. The worst at this have to be dentists, who will ask you to return as many times as they can to charge you each time. I still get looks of shock when I explain that in the U.S. if you have a cavity, the dentist drills and fills it at the same time.

I know this is an extreme case, just as the cases shown in Sicko are extreme. Yet, this is a crisis. In a society with an aging population and a low birthrate, something has to be done to provide a sufficient number of health care professionals. The government wants couples to have more children, yet it's difficult to find an ob/gyn. Nurses are being brought in from the Philippines, but people are worried about their Japanese skills.

What's the solution? I have no idea.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 66

2009-02-04T12:17:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 4 episode 1 of 13.

This week:

Setsubun
state of disaster in Kenutcky

Life in japan:

Why are there so many men dressed like women on Japanese TV?

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 65

2008-12-24T18:43:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 3 episode 8 of 8.

Topics: end of year parties, dinner with the in-laws, the M1 Grand Prix, Tanuki genitalia, quarter pounder debuts in Osaka, and foreigners to get stimulus

Season 4 will begin on February 4th, 2009.

Thanks!

What's the problem, baby?

2008-12-18T22:27:00.002+09:00

Check out this headline on MSN. She said, "Do me."

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 64

2008-12-17T12:39:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 3 episode 7 of 8.

the PS3 dilemma ends, the wife used ebay, CDs are expensive in Japan, I became one of the people I hate

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 63

2008-12-10T11:45:00.009+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 3 episode 6 of 8.

Note: On the show I said this was episode 62. Woops.

Topics covered: went to see Wall-E, should I get a PS3?, Purple-san's encounter with some picture-taking lady, having too much stuff, mecha kawaii Perfume:

And, here's the "live" version:

Aristotle's baka ideas

2008-12-06T19:13:00.003+09:00

So, as I was reading Big Bang by Simon Singh today, I learned that not only did Aristotle believe that heavier objects fall faster than lighter ones, but he also believed that women have more teeth than men. This guy's supposed to be smart? I think we should start using the word aristotle to mean we screwed up or did something stupid.

"Dude, how was your test?"
"Dude, I totally aristotled it. Let's go get ripped."
"I feel you on that front, my main man. Let's imbibe some spirits."
"Yeah, we'll get totally aristotled."

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 62

2008-12-03T12:02:00.005+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 3 episode 5 of 8.

Topics covered: visiting Kyoto, Japanese-speaking Germans on TV and Aki Hoshino, Shimura Zoo's crazy monkey, Becky, awful Pompeii dramatization, watching Amelie, classical education and the book Who Killed Homer?, Dan Carlin's Hardcore History

Kyoto and fried chicken doritos

2008-11-30T20:07:00.004+09:00

I always confuse Buddy Ebsen with Eddie Albert. Buddy Ebsen is the guy who played Uncle Jed on the Beverly Hillbillies. He was originally cast to play the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, switched roles with the guy playing the Tin Man, and then got sick because of the makeup. I think that's a real rip off. I wonder if he held a grudge against the guy who got him to switch? I would have. Eddie Albert played the main guy in Green Acres. He also played a retired general on an episode of Columbo, which I saw today. I watched Columbo for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and I have to say it pretty much rules. He drops "one more thing"s like Steve Jobs.

After Columbo, the wife and I went to Starbucks. She got a sandwich, but there's nothing savory there for a vegetarian like me, so we stopped at a convenience store to get me a salty snack. I was really hoping for some Cheetos, but I don't see them so often at the konbinis. I saw Doritos, though, and I was fired up until I saw what kind of Doritos they were. Fried Chicken Doritos. That's right, they had Fried Chicken-flavored Doritos, but they didn't have the regular nacho kind. That drives me crazy. If you have just enough space for one kind of Doritos, go with the regular. Sometimes they'll have four kinds of Kit-Kats but no regular. Come on. Regular me. We don't need new crap. Also, fried chicken isn't a flavor; it's a food. Here are the Doritos in question.

We went to Heian Shrine, where we were married two years ago. Since Japan's the only country where the leaves change color in the autumn, we went to a couple of temples and checked out the leaves. Japan's also the only country with four seasons, trains, and bacon. What a country! The leaves were nice, and we checked out an aqueduct. What an aqueduct! I've never seen an aqueduct like it. There were plenty of people out, though, and a lot of them were old. Not to be ageist, but come on, granma, get the hell out of my way! I'm trying to find some potato chips.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 61

2008-11-26T12:11:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 3 episode 4 of 8.

News in Japan: guy arrested for murder

This week: anniversary dinner, Star Wars Lego for the Wii, Kyoto photo exhibition

Others: hay fever, Radio Lab's show about Choice

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 60

2008-11-19T19:17:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this "episode." Season 3 episode 3 of 8.

Remember when I said I would put out an episode to be consistent even when I really shouldn't? Well, here you go. I'm losing my voice, so I did this one using a computer voice. I ran out of material in about nine minutes, so I put a short story in there. If you want to hear a robot voice talk about health insurance and pensions in Japan, then go nuts. Otherwise, move on. Nothing to see here.

Thanks!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 59

2008-11-12T12:14:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

In this episode, I take back any good things I've ever said about nbc.com.

This week: cleaning, reading (New Year's resolutions)

Life in Japan: Tsutaya sucks, Starbucks girl, cashier at local supermarket

Are You Crazy?: Toshio Tamogami gets fired for writing essay

News: Korean woman injected cooking oil into her own face for beauty

Japanese expression: mottainai

Thanks!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 58

2008-11-05T17:56:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 3 episode 1 of 8.

This one's a real stinker, but at least it's short. If it's any indication of what's to come in this season, you might just want to wait for season 4. I talked about our trip to Hawaii, taxes in Japan, and our friend's new baby. The only point of interest might be that I said something I shouldn't have and had to edit it out. Can you find the edit? Shouldn't be too hard.

Emails from Aaron, Lord the Kaosu, and a new listener, Seth from New Jersey.

Thanks!

Finally, some respect for Amagasaki

2008-10-25T21:01:00.002+09:00

So, why didn't anyone tell me about this Japanese version of The Office? I was happy to see that the city name on the sign at the beginning is Amagasaki. Go, Amagasaki, go! Slough, Scranton, and now Amagasaki. It works.

Go yen!

2008-10-24T22:17:00.002+09:00

So the rate's about 92 yen to one U.S. dollar. Go yen! If the yen keeps getting stronger, I'll be able to retire. Come on, good life!

Hawaii Top Ten

2008-10-18T19:17:00.003+09:00

10. Me: "It's a tie. This pineapple juice and the pineapple juice we had in Macau taste the same."
Wife: "No, it can't be a tie. Choose one."
Me: "Dole!"

9. bladonkadonk

8. "It's Locke!"

7. "No, he stopped working here three months ago. He's becoming a police officer."

6. "Migi way, please."

5. "Gang members live on that street. Just drop me off at Safeway."

4. "Shark! Dangerous!"

3. The Others' YMCA camp

2. Veggie burger at Cheeseburger in Paradise

1. "How many ABC Stores can you see from here?"

Somebody send me a banana, please

2008-10-03T23:38:00.003+09:00

There's a banana shortage here in Japan. Economies are crumbling. McCain still has a chance. Babies are being poisoned by milk in China. And, all I can think about is getting my hands on a banana or three.

As we all know, the Japanese love trends. They also love to congregate, but that's another post altogether. They especially love dieting trends and among these dieting trends, they especially love to hear about them on TV. Anyone remember the Natto Diet? I do. When I told people here that there was no way fermented beans were all that good for them, they scoffed. Then, it came out that it had all been a lie, natto is crap, and Apoc was right. Justified again. Well, now here we go with the bananas.

I know what you're thinking: Apoc, you're awesome. Thanks. I know what else you're thinking: Apoc, you're a liar. Well, liar I am not. If you don't believe me, check out this article in the effing Telegraph. They'll set you straight right out, pip pip.

So now the whole country's gone banana crazy, and the supermarket I went to today (Daiei) has no bananas. There's just a bananaless space where the bananas should be. Bananas are delicious. They have potassium. They're one of the few unprocessed foods I can eat. Somebody, give me a banana. Banana me! Come on, banana me!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 57

2008-08-27T13:53:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode 13 of 13.

This week: the arrival of Aloha's package, Olympics

Life in Japan: my new favorite show, 33 Minute Detective

Feedback: emails from Aaron and Kaosu

Here's the song that's been running through my head all week:

Zutto Dance Dance Dance!

See you next season.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 56

2008-08-20T12:08:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode 12 of 13.

Life in Japan: getting calls from Freaky Miki, dish rag on my head

This week: I talk about our trip to Macau and Hong Kong.

Feedback: Drew has a question.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 55

2008-08-11T23:35:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 episode 11 of 13.

This one's coming out early because of the trip to Hong Kong.

This week: Gao!, kickin' it with SamuelJSnakes, olympics, our lazy Sunday, rollercoaster math

Feedback: Kaosu had a question about The Undefined Show, and Aaron had a question about a manga called My Darling is a Foreigner.

Here's an older Gao! video from Tantei Knight Scoop.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 54

2008-08-06T08:43:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 episode 10 of 13.

This week: The Dark Knight

Life in Japan: went to a festival (devil horns)

Feedback: Jordan asked about knife attacks, Bongkai asked about Japanese junk food and Sayaka's book (here are the Amazon pre-order pages for part 1 and part 2), Kaosu had a question about the Olympics, and Sling Blade sent in an audio messsage.

Here's the only acceptable Ainori theme song.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 53

2008-07-30T19:53:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 episode 9 of 13.

This week: went to Charles Darwin exhibition, friend is getting published

News in Japan: Eel-flavored drink from Aaron

Feedback: Lord Kaosu asked a language question and sent in this video.

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 52

2008-07-23T15:38:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode 8 of 13.

This week: the wife's getting famous, a "video store", cram school and baka girl, dedication to the Tigers taken too far, Roly Skender and the Tonics at the Blarney Stone, got a new phone (forgot to mention I can buy stuff with it like an ICOCA card), saw Ponyo (new Hayao Miyazaki movie), trying to win stuff

Feedback: audio feedback and question from Saggy Z, a news story from Eeeper, and questions/comments from Lord Kaosu

Does this guy remind you of Mick Aloha?

Here's the Ponyo song. Catchy!

Wife's photos in Joshi Camera magazine

2008-07-20T12:54:00.005+09:00

I'm really proud of the wife. In this month's Joshi Camera (女子カメラ Vol. 7), she has a page of photos on page 97. Joshi Camera found her on flickr and contacted her. They posted three of her flickr pictures and her profile picture. Also, one of her pics is used in the table of contents. What a wife! Here's one of the pics:

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 51

2008-07-16T10:33:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode 7 of 13.

This week: trip to Softbank to check out the iPhone, kicking it with an akachan, see-through shirts the latest rage in Japan?

Life in Japan: the Softbank commercials with the dog as the father, Is Japanese TV dumber than American TV?

Feedback/questions: Lord Kaosu asks about a softcore channel and offers a terrible music video, Colm (driving force behind the Wicked Pissa Podcast) asks about hitting the beach in Japan

Here's one of those Softbank commercials:

And here's the video Kaosu sent in:

iTunes 7.7 problem with 2nd gen iPod Shuffle

2008-07-14T10:46:00.003+09:00

Note: This post will be of interest only if you have a second generation iPod shuffle.

A couple of nights ago, I went out for a run with my iPod shuffle. When I hit the play button, the light flashed green-orange-green-orange several times and then stopped. I reset it (turned it off and then on), but it still did the same thing. I assumed the battery was dead, brought it back inside, and took my wife's Nano on the run instead.

Last night, after the Shuffle had been charging for most of the day, I once again planned to use it while running. Again, when I hit play, it flashed green and orange. I connected it (iTunes recognized it fine) and noticed that under the Shuffle in iTunes there was a new podcast folder. I deleted it, synced the Shuffle, and still got the flashing green and orange.

Next, I tried to restore the Shuffle. I got a message saying it had been restored and that I should wait for it to appear in iTunes, but it never appeared so I disconnected. Once again, I got the flashing green and orange.

Several people have been having this problem with iTunes 7.7, and I'd heard that restoring worked. The only thing left to do was to restart my mac. When I'd installed 7.7, I hadn't restarted, so I thought that might have been the problem. I restarted, restored the Shuffle, and now it works fine. So, my advice is restart your mac after you update iTunes. I thought it was supposed to automatically do that, but I guess not.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 50

2008-07-09T10:33:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 episode 6 of 13.

This week: I got lost (literally, not in translation), Outback in Osaka, Junkudo, a cafe that reminds me of old Kentuck

Listener content/feedback: I mentioned e-mails from SJS and Jordan and answered a question from Lord Kaosu. Captain Hooks sent this link for What Japan Thinks and Josh in Japan sent this video:

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Thank you for listening!

Gal Sone to Kobayashi: Eat it

2008-07-05T00:06:00.002+09:00

I just saw Takeru Kobayashi on CNN. He's the Japanese guy who can eats lots of hot dogs really quickly. Kobayashi lost last year (go America), but he's going to attempt to reclaim his crown. My question is where is Gal Sone in all of this? She's the most awesome eater around. Sure, she's not so fast, but she can pack it away. I saw a show about her and they had a doctor check out her eating awesomeness. He found that when she eats, her stomach expands and fills her abdomen, kind of like a super hero. Here's a video:

eMobile ad offends some people

2008-07-03T23:09:00.006+09:00

Some people are upset about an eMobile cell phone ad here in Japan. It shows a political candidate pushing for change; the crowd listening to his speech holds up signs that read Change. Sounds a bit like Barack Obama, yeah? Oh, and in the commercial the candidate's a monkey. Ouch. Here's the commercial.

There are so many things wrong with this ad I don't know where to start. The most obvious thing is it's offensive to monkeys; they're cool animals, so we shouldn't depict them as politicians. Also, the monkey cries at the end, an obvious reference to Obama's weak stance on terrorism.

They pulled the commercial; I didn't have a chance to catch it on the air. Sure it's offense, but 1,980 yen? Are you kidding me? Where do I sign up?

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 49

2008-07-02T20:12:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 episode 5 of 13.

This week:

hanging out in Umeda, betting on horses, getting my hair cut, Alien Vs. Predator

Japan:

Purple Lady update, too many gaijin in my neighborhood recently, Governor Hashimoto is making stupid decisions

News:

MonkeyBridge arrested

Feedback:

from Noobchan and The Kid

Book Review: The Riddle and the Knight by Giles Milton

2008-06-26T23:57:00.005+09:00

The subtitle of this book is In Search of Sir John Mandeville, the World's Greatest Traveller. I thought I was the world's greatest traveler, so I had issues with this book from the cover. Way to go, Giles.

I'm a Giles Milton fan; I believe I've read all of his non-fiction books. He has a fiction book that I didn't even buy in the bargain bin; sorry, man, but you're a non-fiction writer for me. I got started with Samurai William, which I borrowed from an English bloke I know, and then moved on to the other books, which I purchased with my own currency.

Enough about currency, let's talk about this book. There was this guy names Sir John Mandeville who lived way back in the 1300's. Now, we have a problem already, since back then people didn't care one about bit how one went about spelling words, so Mandeville's one version, but you might also find Mandevil, Man Devil, Man check out that devil, and Mandamandamanda. See, we're already confused. It wasn't until the onset of the Internet and video games that spelling started conforming to rules, although it hasn't conformed too well as I've already written traveler with two different spellings. That's what happens when Yanks review British books.

This guy Mandeville, see, claimed to have traveled for over thirty years. He wrote a book about it once he'd returned to Old England, or as it was known back then, England. The first half of the book is believable enough; he went to Jerusalem, he went to Istanbul, he checked out some cathedrals and drank a lot of wine. Although some of the places he claimed to have visited weren't all that safe for travellers (woops), it's believable enough. The problem comes in the second half of the book, in which he claims to go to the far East, as far as the Yodobashi Camera in Akihabara, and he claims that he saw all kinds of monsters. The story just gets crazier and crazier, making many people believe that it's all a bit of rubbish.

Giles Milton set out to follow Sir John's path and to find out if the first part of his book was true. What did he find out? What did he discover on this journey? You'll have to read to find out.

I have to warn you, if you dislike 1) history or 2) travel, this book is not for you. If you'd like to read about a modern day writer investigating the claims of a guy who's been dead for 600 years, then check it out.

Thou Shalt Commit Adultery

2008-06-25T22:58:00.003+09:00

I'm reading a book called How Computers Work. The part I'm reading now briefly covers the history of printing and mentions The Wicked Bible. It's a 1631 reprint of the King James Bible in which the not in Thou shalt not commit adultery was omitted. I'm thinking the Ten Commandments are the one part of the bible you want to double check when you're printing it, especially if you're printing it in 17th century England. Some people think the devil printed the Wicked Bible; if so, it makes me wonder why adultery was the focus and not something bigger, like, hmm, I don't know...worshiping the devil. Seems like Ol' Scratch would have made some changes to make himself look better, not to encourage fornication. Instead, he should have slipped in Beavis and Butthead's Thou that smelt it thine own self dealt it.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 48

2008-06-25T14:41:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode 4 of 13.

News:

woman slashes people at JR Osaka station and D0well hides

This week:

movies: Indy 4, Megane (I think the user comment about this movie on IMDB had to have been written by the director), someone had a baby, 20th anniversary of Tantei Knight Scoop, the rainy season, ordering at Subway

Submission:

Eeeper sent in this Mr. T commercial:

Thanks!

Book Review: On Writing by Stephen King

2008-06-20T23:17:00.004+09:00

This was the third time I've read On Writing. It's divided into two parts: the first part covers King's life and the factors that contributed to and influenced his early writing and subsequent career, and the second part covers how to write.

In the first part, King tells stories about his life that show how he became a writer. My favorite story was how he learned that the paperback rights to Carrie had sold and how much money he would receive.

In the second part, King describes how he writes and offers writing advice. He refers often to The Elements of Style by Strunk and White, another book I would recommend. He says that in order to write you have to read; he describes people who come up to him and say they want to be writers but that they don't have time to read. King has no time for them and neither do I. I like that his advice often leads to a loss of the pretension that surrounds so much writing; you don't have to use big words, just use what you know. You don't have to fill your writing with euphemisms; just be honest. It's all great advice.

There's a short part at the end in which King describes getting hit by a van back in the summer of '99. At the time, he was halfway through the On Writing manuscript.

If you write, this book is highly recommended. If you don't, I still recommend it. You could do a lot worse than reading about King's life and how to kill unnecessary adverbs. A lot worse.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 47

2008-06-18T13:12:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode #3 of 13.

News: Japan fatties are in trouble. Thanks to Mr. K for sending it in.

This Week/Life in Japan: Always 2, G8 is hurting my ability to throw stuff away, crowded trains because of Tigers fans

Mentioned video: Sean Lennon's Honda commercials

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 46

2008-06-11T14:32:00.005+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Season 2 Episode 2 of 13.

This Week: Tantei Knight Scoop (note: if you follow the link, I recommend the second video), Harrison Ford on SMAPxSMAP, Uchoten Hotel
News in Japan: Akihabara a**hole
Interview: with a Japanese girl
Life in Japan: my new archenemy, Sakana-kun
"Special Guest": Lord Kaosu reports on the state of the Japanese swim team
Final topic: iPhone coming to Japan

Sakana-kun video:

SMAP destroying a Mariah Carey song with Mariah

Book Review: The Code Book by Simon Singh

2008-06-07T22:37:00.004+09:00

I love Simon's Singh's books. I started with Fermat's Enigma, although I'm pretty sure the version I read was called Fermat's Last Thereom. Then, I read the Code Book, followed last year by Big Bang.

The Code Book is about the history of codes and ciphers, but mostly ciphers. He starts with some of the oldest, most basic ciphers and moves through history to the present (okay, 1999, but close enough). Along the way, we meet characters like Mary Queen of Scots, Alan Turing, and the Navajo code talkers. My favorite parts were the breaking of the German Enigma, the decipherment of Linear B, and the lengths the British government went to so that the Germans wouldn't know their ciphers had been broken. It's all engaging, even the part about the future of cryptography that I found boring the first time I read it. If you like secrets, math, and history, you'll love it.

Here's the Amazon link:

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 45

2008-06-04T15:05:00.004+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. This is the first of 13 episodes for season 2.

Note: This is the first new episode since May 2006.

Topics covered: The lady who lived in a closet, the kid with rocks, Osaka women who wear shirts with cats on them, my inability to count Japanese money, the Purple Lady, and the flute. There's also an interview with a Japanese guy and a review of The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams. Thanks for listening!

Update: I just realized it sounds like I say I'm going to be doing 13 episodes a week. That's definitely not true. I'll do one episode per week for the next 13 weeks.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 44

2008-05-31T21:35:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Please ignore all parts of this episode that say it's the last. I'm going to start putting out new episodes soon.

The Apocalypse D0well Show (2005-2006)

Born on stage. Died on wax.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 43

2008-05-31T21:33:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. This is where I started to lose it.

Here's the next to last episode of the show. The song First Pipe is by Daniel Ottini, Come Dancing is by Fake Tan, After Touch is by Sinphony, and Miniscule is by A Single Voice.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 42

2008-05-31T21:30:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's episode 42. I talk about Golden Week (a little), Horiemon, women-only cars on the train, and play some FUs.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 41

2008-05-31T21:28:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

In Episode 41, I talk about meeting up with a listener, shopping for the wedding, Puddle Driver, INXS, and Amagasaki jerks. There are a few FUs and I play some music at the end. Songs are by The Promise Ring and Snowden, from the Podsafe Music Network. Thanks!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 40

2008-05-31T21:25:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's Episode 40. I talk about watching people at Captain Kangaroo, Matt's exhibition, and being approached on the train. There are a few FUs and there's a Mr. T interview with the MMD. Apologies to Anime Pulse. Also, I recorded a guest spot on Anime Genesis. Thanks!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 39

2008-05-31T21:23:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. This episode was hosted by Terrance.

Terrance from the Kobe Beef Show guest hosts Episode 39. Music by Alex Brooke.

Thanks to Terrance and T-Bone.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 38

2008-05-31T21:21:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's episode 38. I talk about the crazy can lady, the movie we saw last weekend, baby clothes, DS Lite availability, Knight Scoop, and a little about cherry blossom viewing. There are 3 FUs this week and some other voice mails. I recorded on different software, so it might sound a bit different. Music is by Avail. Thanks!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 37

2008-05-31T21:17:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. I think this is the death episode.

Episode 37 is a bit more serious than most episodes. I talk about the new forums, play some FUs, talk about some serious things, and read some feedback. Thanks! Links: Misaki Ito, Yu Yamada

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 36

2008-05-31T21:15:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

This episode includes the second half of the interview with Brett about his trip to Japan.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 35

2008-05-31T21:13:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

In this episode, I talk with Brett from the Wicked Pissa Podcast about his trip to Japan two years ago. Also, I talk about Mario Kart Arcade, Walk the Line, karaoke, Otaku Generation, 1 FU, and other crap. There's a new forum for the show here. Please stop by and check it out. What's up to Galupo? Sorry about saying and spelling your name wrong on the show.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 34

2008-05-30T22:53:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

This episode is dedicated to the shorties. You'll hear about: a crazy monkey, my rap career, Knight Scoop, Narnia, Outback, the Moses nickel, 6 FUs, and the introduction of The Quiz.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 33

2008-05-30T22:50:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

nWp site launch. Digg it here

Ainori. That's a pic of Sexy Dynamite and the South African driver. I forgot to mention in the show that the van is call the Lovewagon, that three people watch the show in a studio and comment on it as it plays, and that once they showed a guy fall off an ostrich

Links:

Ronald-san, Hitomi Kuroki (Hot girls in Japan), Simon

Apologies to Skip Jenkins for not getting his FU in the show this week. It'll start next week's show.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 32

2008-05-30T22:48:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Episode 32:

4 FUs, Starbucks girls, Koala Executive, ICOCA, Hot Girls in Japan, I like to elbow people, Doraemon, Anime Noodle, Spaceman

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 31

2008-05-30T22:43:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's Episode 31. It's pretty crappy.

Links:

Gil from Belgium. Other links mentioned should be to the right in the sidebar.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 30

2008-05-29T21:42:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's episode 30. It's a bit early because my computer's heading to the shop. I talk about the DS Kid's new crime-fighting partner, my experience (almost) running from the police (almost) like Mick Aloha because I want to ride his wave of popularity, and the girl with long hands. We have FUs from some new folks.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 29

2008-05-29T21:33:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

In Episode 29, I talk about Japanese TV shows that teach people English, like this one. It's Shaku, not Shoko. Oh, and Mick Aloha's latest episode spills over into this one a bit.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 28

2008-05-29T21:30:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Enter the DS Kid.

Episode 28. DS Kid, 5 F.U.s, wedding plans, interview, and much more.

links:

Ninja Consultant. Other links should be on the right side panel.

Thanks!

Short Story: Splaynor by ApocD

2008-05-29T16:04:00.003+09:00

Splaynor didn't want to die. He was in no immediate danger of dying, at least not that he knew of, but his death was out there somewhere, just waiting to come in and sweep him away to nothingness. He didn't like that, the nothingness, nope, he didn't care for it one bit.

His kind embraced death as a step, but Splaynor couldn't understand how dying was a step, unless it was a step down. Their culture celebrated death, threw parties for people who'd died, and prayed to the two suns for death to come, but usually not until they were very old. The two suns delivered, too, although sometimes not as quickly as one would have hoped, especially in situations of extreme pain. Splaynor's grandmother had lain in bed for three transits, pain racking her body, as she prayed for a merciful death that never came.

Splaynor's friends never talked about it. That didn't bother Splaynor too much; he knew there was nothing they could say to take away his fear. They knew nothing more than he did. It was like physicists talking about the insides of black holes; none of them would ever know, for absolute certain, what was in there. Maybe death lived in black holes. Splaynor didn't want to find out.

Splaynor got depressed. His friends avoided him. His family talked of only the most surface things, like the next vacation to the Spameel Flats or the latest imports from the second moon. It didn't matter. They were all going to die. Nothing mattered when you knew you were going to die.

Splaynor was eating less, which meant he had less food gathering to do. That was good. Splaynor hated food gathering. It would be so much easier to store food in homes, but that wasn't the way, and ways didn't change.

The days grew shorter. Splaynor hated the cold season, when the gathering became even more difficult, and the food lost its taste. He lay on his mat most of the cold season, staring out a round window in his home's ceiling up at the sky, watching the suns cross the sky, waiting for them to drop so he could watch the stars. He preferred the stars. He sometimes wondered if there was other life out there, wondered if there were beings out there looking up at the stars wondering the same thing. He wondered if any of them felt the way he did. He doubted it. They probably had as many rules and distractions as Splaynor's kind, enough to keep them from thinking about anything real until the end was upon them.

The cold season faded, but Splaynor's depression remained. He strolled among the flowers on the hill on the edge of town, the hill where he had watched the stars with his friends when he had been young. They were all gone, most of them to the cities, but some of them to their graves. Thinking of them only made Splaynor feel worse.

It was nice being back on the hill. Townsfolk nodded at him as they passed, some young ones said hello to him. As he stood and soaked up the heat of the two suns, he had an idea. If death scared him so much, then he would make himself miserable. He was almost there, anyway, so if he just continued, then he would be so miserable he would want to die. He would welcome death like an old friend.

Splaynor called the townsfolk within hearing distance a bunch of flipping idiots who probably still thought the two suns went around the planet. The townsfolk didn't like that. Some stared, but most grumbled to themselves and kept their eyes down. Splaynor yelled at them again, just to make sure they heard. He was sure by the end of the day it would be all over town, and then everyone would really hate him. Making fun of people was bad enough, but doing it in public where everyone could hear, well, that was unforgivable. Unforgivable Splaynor. He liked the sound of that. It didn't exactly roll off the tongue, but neither did a lot of things that sounded good.

On his way home, Splaynor stopped by his parents' place and told them he didn't want to speak to them again. His mother cried, and for a moment Splaynor thought he would take it back and tell her it was a joke, but he didn't, and as he walked away from the house, through the streets crowded with workers returning from the wells, he felt terrible. He was off to a good start.

Back at his house, he looked through his things for anything that he really liked. He had a collection of rocks that he had brought back from the eighth moon, the rocky one, when he had gone there on a learning trip. His first trip off planet meant a lot to him, so he opened his door and threw the rocks out into the darkness, where they would be lost among the pebbles and stones surrounding his home. He felt terrible. For years he had studied those rocks, used them to remind him of better times, and now they were gone forever.

His mat was the next to go. It was too comfortable. Splaynor would have to get used to sleeping on the floor. If he got used to it, though, then he wouldn't be miserable, and he needed to be as miserable as possible. As he threw the mat onto a rock pile behind his home, he knew he would eventually have to think of something worse than the floor, maybe sleeping on rocks, but for now the floor would suffice. He hated leaving the mat outside. It would look awful and Splaynor hated people who just threw their junk outside instead of disposing of it. He would be like the people he hated, and that would make him more miserable.

Splaynor thought it was good.

Back inside, he lay on the floor and watched the stars through the round window in this roof. He would have to do something about the window, either cover it with something or just paint over it. For tonight, he would just close his eyes and force himself not to look. It would be tough, but that was what Splaynor wanted. As Splaynor's mind raced with ideas of how to make himself more miserable, he fell asleep on his hard floor.

The next day, the rays of the two suns came through the window in his roof and woke him. It was late. He had slept longer than normal, but that was to be expected when one was miserable. It was working. He finished his food gathering quickly and then went to town, where he heard whispers as he walked the streets. Splaynor stopped at the homes of his best friends, people he had been friends with since he had been very young. Some of them even had young ones themselves, and as Splaynor watched the young ones run around the homes of his friends, he felt jealousy welling up in him, a feeling that he had been left out through no fault of his own. He told his friends every bad thought he had ever had about them. He let it all out, letting them know all of their faults, and as the truth poured out, Splaynor could see his friends breaking, falling apart. Some of them yelled at him, but most just asked him to leave, and a couple of them had just stood there with looks of shock. Splaynor had shown himself to the door.

Splaynor returned to his home. The light of the two suns was failing. He gathered pebbles from the land near his home—he wasn't sure if any of the pebbles had come from Moon Eight—and carried them up the side of his home to the window, where he spread them out so that they covered the window. The window sat in an indentation, which held the pebbles nicely. He liked the idea of using pebbles instead of just covering the window; they would allow some like through, reminding him that he couldn't see what was producing the light. It would make him miserable.

Without family, friends, mat, or a view of the outside from his home, Splaynor went to sleep.

The hot season was halfway over. No one had visited Splaynor since his exercise in making himself miserable had begun. At first he had missed everyone, but the feeling had passed. He didn't even miss his view of the sky.

He was sleeping on rocks. Every morning when he woke up, his body ached, but after some time, even that bothered him very little.

Splaynor decided that his first efforts to make himself miserable had been too weak. He'd probably never actually liked his friends or family, anyway. The feeling had just hidden under all of the feelings he was supposed to feel for them, but never actually did. Something stronger should work, though. Something to truly make him miserable.

He tried to think of people, other then people with terminal illnesses, who really wanted to die. The first example Splaynor came up with was the crew of the Buffalo, the spaceship sent to visit the farthest away of the giant planets. Several malfunctions had conspired to leave the engines inoperable, and the spaceship had just drifted right past the planet and on out into space. Their communications equipment worked fine; the ground crew had listened for over a year as the crew of the Buffalo had drifted and then starved to death. There were rumors that the crew went crazy, some killed and ate each other, but no one but the ground crew knew for sure, and they weren't talking.

The Buffalo's crew had spoken to the public through their transmissions on several occasions, and toward the end they'd talked about how much they just wanted to die, how much they just wanted that release.

Splaynor had no access to any spaceships, and anyway he didn't want to starve to death. He liked eating. A disability would make him miserable. He could poke out one of his eyes, maybe all three, or just cut himself up so that he was disfigured. He didn't like that idea very much. The thought occurred to him that after some time, he might get used to it. Then, he would have a disability and still not want to die.

Splaynor decided that before he did anything more, he would see the town elder, if the elder would even see him after all of the things Splaynor had said.

The elder let him in. That was a good sign. The elder offered him a mat and asked him to sit. The elder looked a lot older than he had the last time Splaynor had seen him. Perhaps the cold season had been rough, or perhaps Splaynor just hadn't been paying attention before.

The elder asked Splaynor why he had come and Splaynor explained the situation.

The elder stared at him for several seconds before speaking. “You want to be miserable so you'll want to die?”

Splaynor nodded. “Yes, that's right.”

“Do you believe in the creator?”

“No.”

The elder nodded. “I see.”

Splaynor edged forward on the mat. “Is there anything I can do to make myself so miserable that I'll want to die?”

The elder studied his hands in his lap and then looked up at Splaynor. “Yes, there is.”

“Well, what is it?”

“Get old.”

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Special Episode #1

2008-05-28T15:32:00.000+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

In this episode, I talk about asking my girlfriend's father if I can marry her.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 27

2008-05-28T00:22:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Episode 27 is completely original and in no way rips off any other podcasts. Ripped off podcasts include: Kobe Beef, The Colmination, and Otaku Generation (just a little). Parley. Top 5 Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes. Thanks for listening!

Links: MacCast, Hometown Tales

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 26

2008-05-26T23:33:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's episode 26. I talk about my plans to ask Keiko's father for her hand in marriage. Check out Weekly Anime Review. Thanks for listening.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 25

2008-05-26T23:30:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Episode 25:

F.U.s from Vegan $andy, Bo$ton Brett, and me. Voice mail from $mall Ball$ and $paceman. I talk about my trip back to the U.S. This is the first episode I've recorded while wearing a baseball cap. Please check the flickr account for updates.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 24

2008-05-26T23:29:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Shownotes for Episode 24:

About halfway through this episode my cold medicine kicks in and things get a little weird.

Mentioned links:

Twinkie Beyond, JPop Blast, Boston Brett's Wicked Pissa Podcast, Kobe Beef, Josh in Japan, The Colmination, and Otaku Generation

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 23

2008-05-26T23:27:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Here's Episode 23. I got a new phone. Mick Aloha arrives soon and we have lots planned. We had band practice this week. FU's from Brett and Carlos C. Carlos. Promo for Porkchop's Political Oddcast. Chigaimasu man. Those wacky Minoo monkeys. An otaku rebuttal. Spaceman rocks. Isosceles Jones takes us out. Links to every mentioned site should be in the side panel on the right. Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 22

2008-05-26T23:24:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Show notes for Episode 22:

Music by the Promise Ring. Check out Jade Tree Records.

Life in Japan topic is studying Japanese

Mentioned links: Twinkie Beyond, Otaku Generation, Image Chaos, Skip Jenkins, Space Man. Let me know if I forgot any.

Thanks for listening.

Corrections: It's BIGELF, not Big Elf. Also, the Promise Ring song is Why Did Ever We Meet, not Why Did We Ever Meet.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 21

2008-05-26T23:21:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. The wife (girlfriend at the time) is heard for the first time.

Shownotes for Episode 21:

This is the first time Keiko has been on a show. I recorded late, so she came in while I was recording.

Links mentioned in the show...Mick Aloha, Mark Bee, Twinkie Beyond, my favorite niche podcast JPop Blast, Boston Brett, Space Man, Two Men with Foreskin, and Skip Jenkins. Thanks to listener Kiri for the FUs, and to Carrie and John for the e-mails. Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 20

2008-05-26T23:18:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Mick Aloha guest hosted this one. If you hate Aloha, don't listen. If you love him, you'll be very happy.

Shownotes for Episode 20:

Today's special guest host is Mick Aloha. Thanks, Aloha!

The song "The World" is by U.S. Bombs. Check them out at Epitaph Records

Contributions from Small Balls (get a website, Captain Caveman), the back stabbing cockbites at Otaku Generation, Robbie from Jpop Blast, L.C. Pinkerton, Professor Bestestes from Two Men with Foreskin, Boston Brett, Spaceman, and BrianZ.

Feedback from Drew and Iron Dragon

Mentioned podcasts/sites: Colmination, Vegan Sandy, and Twinkie Beyond. If I forgot or missed any, please let me know. I haven't listened to the whole show, yet.

Again, thanks to Mick Aloha. Click here for his show and here for the show we do together.

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 19

2008-05-26T23:12:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. This episode has the first mention of The Moon Masters.

Shownotes for Episode 19:

BrianZ's mom is mad at me.

Intro music is by Bigelf. Thanks to L.A. Jim

This week:

party in South Osaka, kids on bikes speaking English, the guy at the video store rips me off, Meg Ryan's Nescafe commercial

FUs of the week from Vegan Sandy and Boston Brett

Interview with Mick Aloha

Voice mail from Kyle Dragon Ash

Spaceman segment

Lots of listener feedback. Thanks for all of the feedback!

New podcast with Mick Aloha is called The Moon Masters

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 18

2008-05-26T23:07:00.003+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. This is the one with the Kyle Dragon Ash song.

Shownotes for Episode 18:

song for Kyle Dragon Ash of Otaku Generation

News in Japan: Cats are up to no good again, PETA protests Japanese KFC with possibly hot chicks, MP3 toilet, fighting the dropping birthrate

This week: Leo DiCaprio and Go Go Yubari in commercials (not the same commercials), Indian food with Matt and Kumiko, and Indian dancing...Niboda niboda!

Life in Japan: what kind of job should you get here?

Spaceman segment

Podcasts I like: Otaku Generation, Escape Pod, Porkchop's Political Oddcast, Porkchop and Ronald-san's Outrealm Detective Agency Podquest, Expatcast, BrianZ, Suburban Transpondency

Voice mail from Small Balls

Feedback: e-mails from Beego, Drew, Neil

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 17

2008-05-24T23:18:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Episode 17:

Black and Red is by Avail.

This week:

Hide, Reina, Neil, Atsuko, pot smoking taxi drivers, Zork, my encounter with the Big Breast Champion, e-mails from Nigeria

F.U. of the week from Brett and a guy who lives in Tokyo. (I tell a fart story, too)

News in Japan: Hello Kitty plane, killer 12 year-olds

Life in Japan: My trip to the doctor

Podcasts I like: BrianZ, promos for Otaku Generation and Mondays.

Spaceman segment: What kind of burrito is he eating?

Feedback from Professor Bestestes, Isosceles Jones, Meat, another Brett, and Kurse

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 16

2008-05-24T23:15:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Shownotes for Episode 16:

Song "The Longest Line" is by NOFX. Check them out here. It's from the Podsafe Music Network.

This week: The Life Aquatic, Itami Diamond City Mall, random guy knocked on my door

F.U. of the week: First, Jackie from Twinkie Beyond goes after rain. Then, Brett goes after people who don't wash their hands after taking care of business. Props to Small Balls.

Podcasts I like: Thanks to Otaku Generation and Suburban Transpondency for playing the Brace for Impact promo. Also, thanks to Paul at The Rev Up Review for mentioning Brace for Impact.

News in Japan: toe-eating cat, microchips in dangerous pets, iPod tax, underwear theft

Life in Japan: washing clothes

Spaceman: Call for help for Therapeutic Riding. Spaceman has a new podcast

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 15

2008-05-24T23:13:00.002+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode. Enter the new theme song.

Episode 15 Shownotes:

00:00 disclaimer

00:13 intro from L.A. Jim

00:40 here's Apocalypse D0well, Mick Aloha's alive, show summary

News in Japan

02:53 News in Japan bumper

03:14 Charles Jenkins wrote a book

06:53 Rumsfeld not coming to Japan this month

08:52 Anti-Japan Chinese video game

11:40 Japan preparing for cyber attacks

14:42 Her Imperial Highness Princess Sayako gets paid

This Week

17:30 This week bumper

17:39 I'm going to write a novel in November

19:25 I spoke to my Japanese landlady for the first time in over three years

25:32 Keiko and I ate the No Chicken noodle soup from VeganSandy

26:06 I've been leaving voice mails at other podcasts. I don't think they'll play them.

27:15 The new promo for Brace for Impact was played on Daily Source Code.

27:52 Show ID from Jackie at Twinkie Beyond

27:56 Life in Japan: I talk about why I moved to Japan

40:06 Show ID from Doctor L. from Two Men with Foreskin

Podcasts I Like

40:28 Podcasts I like bumper

40:37 I talk about Two Men with Foreskin

42:20 Paul has a new blog. Check it out here

42:56 Promo for Suburban Transpondency

44:24 I talk about what I don't like in podcasts

47:30 I list every podcast I'm subscribed to

50:00 Voice mail from Small Balls. Did he say "small ballsish?"

51:51 Voice mail from Space Man. He gives a shout out to Otaku Generation. He also asks about service dogs in Japan. You can read about them here.

59:18 e-mail from L.A. Jim

1:00:32 I ask for help from other podcasts so I can get a promo together

Thanks for listening!

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 14

2008-05-24T23:10:00.001+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Shownotes for Episode 14:

News in Japan: giant squids and murders

Life in Japan: tipping, always answering questions with "hai"

F.U. of the week #1 from Brett. He goes after toilet makers

This week: Guam, outrunning school girls, I got very lost, j-mullet

Voice mail from Spaceman. He hates pennies

Voice mail from Small Balls

F.U. of the Week #2 from BrianZ. He goes after Mick Aloha

Feedback from Sue, Ken, Michael, John from ExpatCast, Tim, and Twinkie Man

The Apocalypse D0well Show: Episode 13

2008-05-24T22:51:00.000+09:00

Click here to direct download this episode.

Check out my hometown

News in Japan: NHK downsizing, NHK coming after fee evaders, Chinese shop bans Japanese and dogs, and North Korea says they'll give up nuke program

F.U. of the week comes from listener Spaceman. He goes after Schwan's pizza and Quicktime.

This week: Hitchhiker's Guide, skinny Peter Jackson, and I was attacked by a green caterpillar

Life in Japan: toilets A.K.A. Taking a dump in Japan

Thanks for listening!